How to Talk to Your Kids About Divorce

Even under the best circumstances, children experience some trauma when their parents divorce. If you’re breaking up with your co-parent, you have a responsibility to ease your children’s emotional strain. This responsibility starts when you first tell your child(ren) about the divorce, and it lasts long after the marriage or union has been dissolved. As difficult as these conversations might seem, open and compassionate dialogue can greatly alleviate uncertainty and anxiety for children, providing them with reassurance and stability during this transitional period.

There’s no one-stop solution for divorcing parents, but child psychiatrists and other experts have several suggestions to make these discussions easier and more effective, such as:

• Team up — Though you might be going through a highly contentious breakup, it’s best for both parents to participate in the initial divorce or separation discussion to show support and to maintain consistency in messaging. Decide together what you will say and how you will address potential questions, demonstrating to your children that you remain a cooperative unit when it comes to raising them.
• Avoid making children your messengers — During child custody disputes and other conflicts, your ex might be the last person in the world you want to speak to. Still, you should be able to converse on issues relating to your children without rehashing other arguments. When this is impossible, use your attorney to speak to their attorney. Never send messages to your former partner through your children, even on what may seem to be innocuous concerns. 
• Keep the conversation age-appropriate — Your children need to know that both their parents love and care for them, and that they’ll continue to do so. The specific event or conflict that led to the divorce usually does not matter. Tailor your explanation to suit your child’s age and maturity level. Younger children need simple explanations, like “Mom and Dad will live in different homes but we both love you very much.” Older children may need more detailed information and reassurance about their daily life and routine.
• Stress honesty and open communication — Don’t sugarcoat what’s happening or raise unwarranted hopes that you and your co-parent might reconcile. Let your children know that they can ask questions and express their emotions at any time. Encourage them to share their feelings, whether it’s confusion, anger, or sadness, and be patient and attentive to their needs. 
• Refrain from criticizing your ex — Any criticism of your spouse puts your child in a terrible position of having to take sides for one parent and against the other. The process and aftermath of a divorce can be very frustrating. Save negative comments about your ex for adult-conversations where child(ren) is/are not present. 

The Henry Law Firm P.A. represents Kansas parents in divorce proceedings and other family law matters. Regardless of your particular situation, we are dedicated to easing the burden on you and the people you love. Please call 913-381-5020 or contact us online to schedule an appointment. Our office is in Overland Park.